5 Tips to Host a Killer Thanksgiving [save for later]
With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching it seems like the entire Northeast (and California) is scrambling trying to plan a memorable, but safe, gathering while simultaneously auto-refreshing the US Postal Service webpage every 5 minutes to track if their mail in ballot has safely traveled within county borders to our savior the Board of Elections.
If you have been unable to simultaneously click away from the USPS website over to the Home Depot or Lowe’s website to order outdoor space heaters since your Wi-Fi bandwidth is once again being slowed down by your live-in pandemic boyfriend’s 37 hour Zoom conference call or child’s lackluster virtual math class do not despair. Propane heaters are not the end all be all and our team has put together 5 tips that should help you undertake this herculean task of creating a festive celebration for family and friends this year. Read on to find out more!
[PRO TIP: If you hate being disappointed by canceled plans and failed dreams perhaps save this article for some easy reading any time after 12:01am November 4, 2021 because there is still a chance you may end up actually spending the next 12 months in an underground, windowless safe house eating canned non-perishables as @realDonaldTrump’s bureaucratic minions (and Brett Kavanagh) slowly count 30 million + ballots by hand again and again and again and again………recording counterfeit and stolen votes on 545 abacuses that will be kept in a very secure metal cage under constant observation.]
Tip #1: Send out your invites at least 3 weeks in advance
While last year everyone may have had time to fit in multiple feasts with immediate family, stepparents, cousins, college besties, and the booty call who you met at Surf Lodge last summer — this year will be undoubtedly different. Perusing Rent the Runway Unlimited for countless insta-worthy holiday outfits was so 2019 and instead this year your friends and family will have to decide who is really worth their time quaranting for. Don’t be left out of the mix by sending out your invites late!
If you just can’t commit to your invite list that far in advance though the new high-tech company QuarantineWho can help you out. Their affordable Seismic Rapid Quintile Corporation Melania SARS 47583a Antigen Test can provide COVID-19 test results on the spot for guests right outside your front door. Results are offered in 5 minutes for $666 and 29 seconds for $1,111 because you can’t put a price on piece of mind (@QuarantineWho #Ad #Sponsor).
Tip #2: Assign seating to avoid unnecessary drama
Think ahead strategically to avoid an encore performance of your Uncle’s speech on the plight of the white male by assigning seats at the dinner table. One great way to do this is to preemptively put name place cards at each seat. We suggest tying the place cards into your décor by getting creative! Our former social media coordinator recently repurposed mini hand sanitizer containers for a gathering of 150 friends that she held in her backyard garden. She replaced the brand labels with name tags and refilled each bottle with vodka so everyone could stay hydrated and drink away their commonsense!
When in doubt, if conversation still begins to become dicey despite your thoughtful seating arrangement you can also just go around the table and have everyone take turns complimenting all of the woman on their skills as a mother and reproductive agent — even if they do not have kids (but if they have kids, a job, and are a Democrat just silently look past them and compliment the person to their right — even they are a childless male because they definitely have the potential to be an excellent mom). If the woman is part of a nuclear family bonus points! — every sentence directed to them throughout the dinner should then end with the phrase “and she is just such a remarkable mother”.
Tip #3: Provide plenty of photobooth props
After setting up your Pantone 4052 backdrop and selfie ring for guests remember to leave a basket full of photobooth props to help brand your party! While for the past 400 years you may have gotten away with the feather headband and fake black braids this year this trend has been canceled. Instead offer guests more on alternative props like pilgrim hats, colorful gourds, and Starbucks cups as an ode to the 84 pumpkin spice latte you managed to drink this season (which we know is probably about 42 grandes short of how many you managed to drink last year but it’s okay we heard the PSL season is being extended to Christmas since society can only have so many things ripped away from them this year).
Don’t forget to also throw in a few stylish facemasks and encourage guests to work their angles by wearing the on their wrists masks like bracelets (we know everyone at your party is obviously 100% safe and did not go to last weekend’s illegal Airbnb rave featuring special guests from TikTok, but just think of them as a tasteful nod to health consciousness). Create a unique hashtag as well that strikes the right balance between our thoughts and prayers are with everyone struggling and you wish you could afford this WAP.
Tip #4: Play a Thanksgiving version of “Guess Who?”
After everyone has had their fill of turkey and pumpkin pie consider gathering around the fire to play Thanksgiving “Guess Who?”. Personalize the game to your dinner party by switching out the classic pictures of David with the red beard or Ashley with the green hatwith pictures of your dinner guests.
Guess Who…had a one night stand with a someone who had COVID, but didn’t catch it because they already had antibodies; guess who discovered that an OnlyFans account is a great alternative to a postgrad job in today’s market; guess who became a learning pod whore and enrolled their child in multiple groups just to see which one was going to score the best teacher; and guess who moved in with their parents after a pandemic breakup and now pays rent in the form of taking the household’s pandemic puppy on 5 walks a day. Just remember to have enough libations available to your guests as the competition heats up!
Tip #5: Send your guests home with plenty of leftovers
Make sure all of your reusable tupperware is clean prior to the big event so you can be sure that everyone heads home with enough meals to last them a few weeks — you never know when they will begin to show symptoms and be gently advised to quarantine via a letter delivered to them by a carrier pigeon 3 weeks after they receive a positive test result.
And while our publisher said we technically cannot promote drugs that have been approved by the FDA without clinical trial data…. if your girlfriend’s boyfriend’s cousin’s dog walker’s drug dealer can somehow procure you a few bottles of remdseivir or dexamethasone we suggest tucking those in as well with the leftovers to create a nice little care package for your guests.
Let us know how your Thanksgiving celebration goes in the comments section! The host who gathers the most superspreaders will a year’s supply of Charmin Ultra Soft and an introduction to the goldfish who we heard is allegedly responsible for selecting which Americans will receive the COVID-19 vaccine first.
